Don't be a baby

Day 14,

Oh yes he is adorable. No thanks I don't need to hold him. I don't know what it is, but babies make me nervous. They are just so fragile. It's one thing to hold someone's kitten and accidentally drop it (cause it'll land feet first) or feed it the wrong kitty food, but if you did something to someone's baby that's endless guilt and a potential lawsuit. I'm a practical person and it's just not worth the risk. Also, I think babies sense my stress and anxiety when I hold them because the calm sleeping baby turns into a crying fit of accusations. At least that is what it feels like.

Today as I was walking into the hospital to see my friend's new born I told my mom don't pressure me to hold him. It didn't take long before my mom picked up the sleeping porcelain doll... and tried to run away with it. She wishes. I know that some people, well most people, find babies to be adorable. I guess there is a certain endearing innocent squishy quality about them, but to be honest I'm more of a puppy and kitty lover. Now those are always cute. You can't tell me you've never seen an ugly baby. Also tiny furry friends seem so much more durable, playful, and already have an idea of how to defend itself. Have you ever seem a 4 month old baby play fetch?

Maybe there is something wrong with me? I know my mom thinks so. She loves babies. It's to the point that every time she hold or even sees one she gives me a disappointed look because I have yet to produce her a grandchild. If she wants another baby to give her more grey hairs I know Africa is handing them out. They have some cute babies.

As I passively observed the slumbering flesh ball my mom cooed and cawed she tried to convince me that all of the world's happiness could fit into 1 inch booties and a teddy bear onsie. I was then guilted into holding the little guy. If I was a mom I would make people do trial runs on a doll before I handed over my supposedly "greatest joy". Omg he's so light in my arms that are so stiff to make sure he doesn't slip through. Everything's so miniature, nose, eyes, even little bits of leg hair. I know you're expecting me to say that my heart was melted the moment I touched this little angel I couldn't wait to have one of my own. Well sorry to disappoint you. All I thought was how long do I have to hold him so the mom and my mom are satisfied? Ok my 3 minutes is up. Take him before he starts crying and I look like a jerk. Phew. Me and the baby both survived.

I don't want anyone to think I'm a baby hater. I just don't favor smaller humans over bigger ones. All humans have the same value to me and I treat them all with the same respect. Everyone else is just being an ageist. It's ok I forgive you, but I expect you to work on it. So the next time you are dangling keys in front of lil miss giggles remember the slow old grandpas that give you road rage before you cut him off. They were once babies too. So maybe we should treat everyone like babies. We all know plenty of adults that act like them. Only difference is if I drop them on their head it won't be on purpose... I mean accident... I'm kidding. Geez calm down... don't be a baby.

Sorry mom you better start pressuring Anna to reproduce.

Just keep swimming

Day 13,

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. My mind feels so clear when I'm in the pool doing laps. It's just me and my thoughts. Someone once told me that they aren't creative enough to swim. He said that he didn't like his mind being that open to try and create distractions from constant swimming. I however love just hearing the water and my thoughts. There's nothing like getting out of the pool after a nice swim. Muscles are relaxed and tired, but refreshed. I know many people don't enjoy swimming even though it is one of the best harmless activities. Even 90 year old people can enjoy a slow paddle or aqua aerobics.

I learned to swim around 2 years old because we had a pool at our house and my parents were afraid I would sneak out and drown. I can actually remember crying in the pool when I was getting my first lessons. Even at a young age you learn that no matter how upset you are that when the instructor says hold your breath right before the dunk you definitely take a nice inhale and hold. The moment you get out the water you resume crying, but the instructors never seemed to be phased by it.

My parents got so much satisfaction from taking me and my sister to the public pools to watch other parents jump out of the seats when they saw a 3 and 5 year old jump into the water because they didn't expect us to know how to swim. Demented parents, trust me I know. It wasn't too long before I was competing in swim meets and getting the nice blue ribbons (participation award).

I don't know why I transitioned from swimming to tennis. Swimming is so simple. All you really need is water. With tennis you need a court, racket, balls, opponent, proper shoes, and clothes. Maybe I was just trying to make it hard on my parents.

Now that I'm older and somehow I injured my hip (that'll take a whole blog to cover) all I do is yoga and swimming. I now understand why I quit swimming. It's not simple. It's a hassle. I'd love to say I just walk outside my mansion to my limitless pool or private ocean beach whenever I feel like it and swim till the dolphins take me home. The only problem is that I'm not a pretentious jerk with a billion dollars to blow... oh but how I wish I was. Instead I grab my swimsuit, swim cap (yes I look adorable in it), goggles along with all my shower accessories eg. shampoo, deep conditioner (because chlorine and hair aren't friends), and a towel. Then I go the gym's pool and hope that the water's warmer than it is outside.

First I do the slow dip while trying to stay on my tippy toes to keep my chest above water... for some reason that's always the hardest to dunk when it's cold. I wish I could say that I just dived in and took off swimming like back when I looked cute in a one piece. Unfortunately, I realized that if you haven't swam in a while it can be quite a challenge. It's not all hop in and doggie paddle like the good ol' days. There are many difficulties you can face in the water... besides not knowing how to swim. Number one priority is getting a swimsuit that is sturdy enough to stay on you. So your sun bathing bikini isn't the best choice. Also, make sure you don't buy a white swim suit not realizing that once it's wet it's see through. For some reason you are never alone in the shower when you have this revelation. You might be standing in front a crowd who are all trying to learn how to swim with the dolphins when you notice that people can see more than just that you're cold... honestly though what asshole makes a see through swimsuit? Anywho... I just feel really bad for that um friend who had that unfortunate experience.

Another common problem I have while swimming is water getting into my goggles. No mater how fancy the Michael Phelps sponsored goggles are they always leak every now and then. Then the rest of the day you have to explain why your eyes are so bloodshot... Geez guys it's just the chlorine. I'm trying to be like Phelps... wait not like that... fine I'll do the drug test.

The swim cap. I'm not quite sure of it's purpose other than to make me look even more foolish since it doesn't prevent the chlorine from destroying my hair. So it's must be to keep hair out of my eyes along with ripping out strands when I put it on or take it off. But let's just say that your suit isn't see through, your goggles don't leak, and your adorable swim cap keeps your locks in check then all you have left to do is push off the wall and don't stop.... well until you get to that next wall. I don't know how many times I've hit my head or the back of my hand on the wall. They should really put cushions there to prevent concussions. It took me about 20 times swimming over 100 laps to remember how to turn on the wall. I guess I could have just done the stop and turn, but if my 8 year old self can do it then it should come back to me at some time... just like riding a bike. Once I finally mastered the turn and could do a non-stop push off the wall it felt amazing. No more floundering and hitting my head. I finally got it... "Hey Amy where did you learn to do your turns?" asked the gym's swim coach. Damn. So it still needed improvement. Secretly I watched the swim team and mimicked how they did it. Ya their way was better. Barely.

The next most detrimental problem I have in swimming is getting water up my nose. Why does it hurt so much? It feels like a hot prong went into my brain and no matter how much I blow through my nose it won't go away. If I was ever going to torture someone I would force them to try turns in the pool... that's bound to create bruises and send lava into their nostrils.

Don't forget the swimmer's ear. Seriously why do I even swim? This is a dangerous sport. Who cares about relaxed muscles and a clear mind. I can't believe 90 year olds do this. Maybe it is all the problems that you endure in swimming that make it so rewarding when you get out of the pool? I hope this blog didn't discourage you from swimming... unless you swim at my gym. I hate sharing a lane.

"Hey Mr Grump Gills 

You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming
What do we do we swim, swim, swim

OH HO HO How I love to swim"



my new swimsuit... also what not to wear swimming laps

Lights, camera, oh wait hold on

Day 12

So due to yesterday's intervention I went to help my sister create a beauty vlog this morning. I gave her instructions on what to have ready for when I got there.

Anna's list:
1. Outline what we are trying to accomplish
2. Set up lights (the beauty dish we are lucky enough to borrow)
3. Hang up back drop (black blanket)
4. Figure out what camera you want to use (iPhone 4s)
5. Write down what you are gonna say

I show up at 11:30 and everything is set up and ready to go. I'm actually impressed till I see that the camera (iPhone) was turned vertically. Where have I gone wrong? Has anyone seen a vertical tv or computer? Why do people film vertically? Easy 90 degree fix. Ok ready to go. Lights, camera, action... Ummm... wait I keep forgetting what I'm gonna say.

Well did you write a script? Oh you didn't. Ugh actors (eye roll). I'm sure even Jim Carry memorized a script back when he did stand up. This isn't freestyle Eminem. If anyone should know that even some kind of outline is helpful if not totally necessary it should be someone who has 2 mil hits on their video. Or are you too good to memorize lines now? Did that successful video have a script? Well yes it did. Tisk tisk. Luckily I was there to save the day.

By the time I walked the dog she was prepared with a little outline to keep her on track. See that wasn't so bad. With a guideline and some of my tricks of the trade it only took another couple times... multiplied by lots of tries till we got it.

My favorite part of the day is when my sister said, "I'm over this. I didn't know it was going to be this much work." Geez and she hasn't even edited it yet. I wonder if she remembers yesterday when she asked me oh so provokingly if 1 video a week was too much for me? I can't wait to repeat it to her. Isn't intervention great?!

Everyone keep your makeupless eyes open for the amazing You're Not Pretty Enough beauty vlog by world renowned make-up artist Anna Brown.

The beauty dish... makes sure you don't have any ugly shadows

 She picked up mom's Starbucks addiction.

 

After she reads this blog she'll wish she never interventioned me. Mwuahhahaha.

Intervention

Day 11

I think I might be a little too personally honest in my blogs. They are starting to get me into trouble. This morning I wake up to an email from my mom. A long email. So long I just remembered I forgot to finish it. Hold on. Granted it was for both me and my sister it still came at a suspicious coincidental time after my blog about not having a plan or direction. Here's the gist of it. "Perhaps, the two of you (me and my sis) could consider starting to use your talents together, which would require focus, inspiration and dedication to a project and each other." Then so on and so on about being creative and that we are 1 in a million. I've heard this my whole life yet right now I feel like the 99%. I think my parents encouraged me too much. Amy you can do anything and everything. That's too many options. It would have been better to be born in Russia with a preplanned future to be a pro tennis player... or whatever the newest prodigies are coming out of there. I can do anything, but instead I do nothing because I'm indecisive. Better to not start then start and fail. What a terrible mindset. When did I get so lame?

A couple day ago my boyfriend's mom encouraged me saying that I'm still young and could go back to school and start over trying something new. I totally appreciate options and any advice (love you Star), but it makes me wonder if I shouldn't be putting my problems so open and available for discussion. I'm actually a very private person. I don't know why, but I just don't like sharing about myself. I don't like people knowing things that can be used against me. Maybe I should just be a celebrity blogger.

Intervention didn't end there. Later today I agreed to meet my sister for coffee to help her start a beauty vlog (video blog). Before the wise older sister (that's me) could contribute my expertise I get blindsided by another "Amy you need to start doing some videos. Quit wasting away your talents." Its bad enough from my mom, even if expected, but now from my lil sis (miss I've got 1.4 million hits on my video in 30 hours so now I can lecture you). I start looking around for a camera crew and Dr. Phil to pop out of the bushes. My sis precedes to tell me about her less talented friends who are getting successful because they are at least doing something. Then she wanted to set certain goals for me. She wants me to make a video every week. Geez I already blog and take a pic every day. She antagonizes me by asking if it's too much for me to handle. Phhh. Fine. A video a week. Next she starts making a schedule... "so this week you'll make a 30 sec video and next week...". Now I'm hoping Dr. Phil will come rescue me.

I honestly don't know why I don't make videos and put that digital media degree to use. Well when I work full time and take classes the last thing I want to do with my free time is more work. Work with a junky camera (my iPhone would be better), brain storm a dorky idea, then have it take 4 times you think it would to edit the crappy piece. And for what? Practice? Am I just making excuses? Absolutely. The real reason is that I feel inadequate. Why do I wanna produce something that proves I'm not as good as I think I should be? Why do I need the reality check? You like everyone else involved in my intervention along with Dr. Phil might ask, "what do you have to lose?". Nothing. I have nothing to lose... well except time. So I give in. From now on I'm going to try to make a video a week. Nothing makes me more vulnerable than sharing my art. Therefore my appreciation for constructive criticism will become nonexistent. Once a video is posted it is off limits to haters and film critics... till I have 1mil hits... that's known to toughen your skin ...or give you the right to lecture your sister.

If you have any film ideas let me know and I'll do my best to make it my own... I mean collaborate. But seriously I need some ideas! Otherwise they'll all be about my adorable puppy, that's never been done before, right?

the past needs edited

Stupid intervention.

I'm so happy for you

Day 10

No really I am. I just love congratulating people on their success. Don't you? Comparing my failure to their victory. Why as humans does jealousy overwhelm us when we aren't the ones basking in praise. Why does it feel so unnatural to be so genuine? Lack of self confidence? Would I be jealous of someone being a world famous pie eater? No. Well how famous would it make them? It's not really strangers we are jealous of but people that are close to us, ones that we should be happy for. I can own how I feel, but I don't want to feel this way. I want to be overwhelmed with joy for someone's hard work and effort finally paying off. I mean I'd want the same from them. Well they can be a little jealous. Why don't we seem to mind if people are jealous of us? We almost hope that they are. Isn't that why we talk about ourselves? Post stuff on Facebook? I'm in hawaii, look at the celebrity I just met, look at my engagement ring. Aren't you jealous?

This undeniable jealousy doesn't show up with just other's business success, it could be anything from having nice clothes, popularity, beauty, getting into a nice college, level of degree, even who you are dating. Everyone should know by now that your single friends have no interest in hearing about how amazing your new boyfriend is... "Omg he's like a mix of James Franco, Ryan Gosling, and Jesus. I love him sooo much. I can't wait for you to meet him." Then secretly you hope his face pops up on the local mugshots. Phhh looks like Jesus has a little problem with angel dust.

Jealousy. It's such a wasted feeling. I would love to win a grand slam, Oscar, Nobel peace prize, the presidency, but I don't feel jealousy towards these people. Also, the feeling doesn't arise with people I just met. For some reason it's people I've known a while... like high school or younger. I feel like I'm behind in my timeline, but as long as everyone else I know is too then it's ok. I think I know why I think that way. If someone from the same town, similar situation, same amount of time on this earth has done something with their life and I haven't it's my fault. They didn't have an unfair advantage, but instead made different decisions. Better ones? Well for that moment it feels like that. You must have made the wrong life decisions and if you had just done more you could have experienced success, popularity, nice clothes, love. Where did I go wrong?

As jealous as I could be I don't want to trade lives with anyone. Well...maybe... nah. Whatever they did to get to where they are has made them who they are. Same goes for me. I wish some of my circumstances were different, but I don't want anyone else's journey, struggle, mistakes or whatever it took for their success. I'll just have to get it on my own terms. So some day I'll share my success with you and if you are jealous its ok I won't judge you.

Oh before I forget my sister did the makeup for an amazing moc-commercial done by the talented Jesse Rosten. Make sure you check it out, it's going viral. I'm soooo happy for them. No really I'm promise. Oh so proud of my sis. This blog is in no way related to their recent success.


Fotoshop by Adobé from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

It's great huh? ...jealous?

Hey sis how do you like my new nail polish?

Dentures

Day 8

I don't have false teeth.... yet, but its seems that they are on their way. Ever since I was young I have undergone many forms of oral torture (don't be gross). I'll never forget one of the first times my parents betrayed my trust. I was about 9 years old and sitting in a waiting room not knowing what to expect when I see a kid around my age walk out of the backroom with a mouth full of bloody cotton. I looked at my mom and said something like I"m glad I"m not that kid... but wait I was about to be. For some reason the oral surgeon advised my parents to not tell me I was getting my teeth pulled. What kind of dr. is this? Is this what he does to his kids?... "hey kids we are going to Disneyland." Then he would drop them off at computer camp. Why would you do that to a child? I remember feeling so betrayed. Once I found out I was going under the knife I remember the fear and distrust I had. I looked at my mom, "How could you do this to me? Don't you love me anymore?". Over the years it only went downhill. I don't know why I've been cursed with faulty dental. Before I was 12 I had a gum graph (gum graph is when they cut off gum from the roof of your mouth then create a pocket at your gum line and stick the roof gum inside the receding gum line) along 12 teeth pulled.

The second time my parents were dishonest with me is when my mom told me I needed to get more teeth pulled. I cried and said I didn't care if my teeth were crooked. My mom assured me I wouldn't have to have braces if I got this done. "Promise? Yes, Promise." Lies!! About a year later I had to get braces. I should have run away from home after that. I endured through that misery thankful it was all over. I finally had straight teeth and it was only slightly worth it. Now all I had to do was wear my retainer. Well after all that suffering I was definitely going to make sure that I didn't mess it up by not wearing these silly things. Then around 19 I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled otherwise they'd push my oh so straight teeth forward to crooked town. Nothing like being bed ridden miserable during my Christmas break and then going back to college with chipmunk cheeks. That should have been my last oral hell right?

Oh wait. Due to my lovely genetics I have receding gums. So at 22 I had to have another gum graph. Luckily the roof of my mouth has plenty of extra gum. It is a terrible experience, especially since my medication wasn't ready when the surgery drugs wore off. I hate my mouth.

As I was admiring my 28 dancing white horses I noticed that the bottom ones seem to have shifted. WTF!! When did this happen?  From the time I got my braces off at 13 through high school, college, and living abroad I wore that damn ugly retainer every night... I might have missed a day or two... but no more than 3 in a row. So how is it that when I went to the orthodontist last year he told me that I needed to have braces again?! Are you kidding me?! I don't know anyone as vigilant in wearing their retainer as me so how did my teeth move? What conspiracies are going on within the orthodontic society. When they said this I cried in the reclining chair of death. Not only are braces painful, never look good on anyone (especially past 13), they are also friggin expensive. I do not have an extra $1,300 to be apart of this conspiracy again. Am I gonna have to get braces every 10 years because retainers aren't doing there job. Forget it!

Now if that were the end of my oral misery I wouldn't have written this blog. However, today I went back to the orthodontist because due to my receding gums my teeth are becoming sensitive. I knew that this was inevitable. All my gums are receding and they only do a few teeth at a time... it's time for those other teeth. I've been stressing about this for a while. As I try to make chit chat with the hygienist my heart rate is rising. I ask her if it is the same procedure as 4 years ago? Do they put you under? Do the stitches dissolve rather than leave the roof of your mouth extremely irritated every time you do anything like talk or eat? Is anything about this experience at all better? Please give me hope... nope... it's all the same.

Finally the Dr. walks in and takes a look at my cursed mouth. To my surprise my gums haven't receded any more since my last visit. But just cause they haven't receded any more doesn't mean they aren't still as bad as before. The Dr. gives me 1-2 years to get the gum graph done on my bottom left side. Then 20 years for the top gums. So that's a little relief. Until they give me the quote for my doom day... $2,200!!!! Ok that's it give me the dentures.

My Bachelor distraction

Kidsmas

Day 7

It's over. Christmas that is. I know it's been 2 weeks since that wonderful magical day, but the sadness doesn't set in until all the decorations are put away. The house looks so bleak and dismal now. No more lights, nativity scenes (we have over 30), indoor tree, Sinatra wishing me a joyous season, baking edible men, buying gifts, trying to be more generous. Back to the ho hum of regular life.

bye mr. snowman

I might be one of the few adults who still gets super excited about Christmas. I love everything about it... everything! I might take it a little too far sometimes. I've even been called the Christmas Nazi... there is just a certain way the tree should be decorated and am I out of line in wanting the Christmas village to be logical, like the toy store can't go that close to the ice skating rink the shoppers would slip and fall. Geez. I look up all the local Christmas events going on and I don't care if I'm the only childless adult on the carriage ride. Actually I was the only childless adult almost everywhere I went. Where did all these kids come from? Well they aren't interfering with me getting all I can out of this selfless season...

1. decorate house and tree
2. bake cookies
3. buy the perfect presents
4. make a gingerbread house
5. carriage ride
6. see outdoor lights
7. candle dipping
8. watch Elf, Christmas Story, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Scrooged

Did I forget anything? I believe that not enough people cherish the holidays. I don't know about you, but in my town the Christmas spirit must be infectious... and lots of people are getting the disease. For example, everyone on the road seems to be more anxious and crazy during December. I got cut off at least once every time I was anywhere near the mall. With all the rude drivers it was hard to stay joyous... I just would put on a smile and wave to them with my holiday cheer finger... "And a Happy New Year too you piece of... pie!" Other than that Christmas makes me so happy and optimistic... until I see my January bank statement... oh but isn't it worth it to get that perfect present... "you totally love it, right?".

Some day I'll have my own perfectly decorated house with the aroma of cookies and the sound of holiday cheer and everyone will decorate gingerbread houses, make wreathes, watch the movie elf, go caroling, and do everything!!! or else damn it! Isn't that what Christmas is about making it picture perfect? No? So maybe I'm not the best example of how to experience Christmas cheer. During a holiday party I was asked what my favorite Christmas memory was. I had such a hard time thinking of a Christmas that stood out amongst all the rest. This was quite upsetting for someone who prides themselves in having an overwhelming fascination with December 25th. Out of all my memories only one stood out. I was probably around 6-9 years old when my whole family got together for a Christmas party. Either my mom or aunt or both were playing Christmas songs on the piano. People were singing, laughing, and everything seemed so joyful. I'm not even sure it was on Christmas day, but I don't ever remember feeling such an amazing holiday spirit at any other time since then. When I talked to my mom about it she remembered that day too. Yet her favorite memory was seeing the excitement on my grandpa's face when he would lead everyone on a treasure hunt for a family gift he had hidden. So maybe I shouldn't worry so much about crossing off my holiday checklist, but invest more time in just relaxing with friends and family. Totally cliche... but next year if anyone wants to join me in my elf-like excitement for Jesus' Birthday and doesn't mind riding along in a carriage ride then let me know. Santa's lap is big enough for the both of us... at least that's what he told me at the holiday party.

Christmas will always be my favorite time of the year, but you'll have to be careful cause you might just shoot your eye out.