Surviving

Every time life lifts up my head to grab a few breaths something dark and unknown comes and dunks my head under water. I'm back to gasping, flailing, sinking. All I want is a deep breath. To fill my lungs with fresh air. To my chest expand as I take in my source of life. Why most I thrash in dark murky waters fearing what is lurking underneath? This is my life as an artist.

It's Friday and I get a call from a frantic friend who just got screwed over by another friend she hired for a promo video she wanted. He didn't tell her his fee till 2 days before the event and it was way outside her budget and outside what the guy deserves. She needed a videographer tomorrow! Of course being the kind of person that hates to see others sink in the same pool of anxiety I agreed to help. She couldn't pay much, (but enough to pay this months bills) and it was for her wood-fire pizza catering.... soooo free pizza! This was my first little breath. The video shoot went great. Best pizza I've had since Europe and the video turned out pretty good as well. The next day I edited it and kept on working on it all week. I was also setting up my pictures at galleries and getting ready for an art festival. I was finally doing it. I wasn't making exactly the money I wanted yet, but I was still surviving. I was afloat. 

Then somewhere in the dark deep waters something started moving. I felt something brush my leg. I couldn't tell what it was. It was such a good morning. I was taking breathes, not full breathes, but enough to satisfy. I dropped off my boyfriend at work and then was headed to the river trail to walk my dog then visit my grandma. I was in a good mood. Then there it was. The shark. I saw him too late. I was headed straight for him. I tried to slow down, but it was too late. Red and Blue lights were flashing and the sound of the enemy was blaring. All hope was lost. Motorcycle cop. My breath had left me. I'm gasping. I'm going to suffocate. How can this be happening? I was doing so well. Things were finally looking up. As I'm trying to calm myself I also having to keep my dog from growling. Nothing I did or said helped soften to beasts heart. Not even my puppy who went from growling to panting and being pet by the evil one. I just sat in my car and cried. Cried for what I had lost. Cried for a slip in judgement. I know when I'm trying to speed, but this time I had no where to be. Just a carefree day. I couldn't believe I was going as fast as he said. I tried to understand. If I was in my own car and not my boyfriends would I have been going that fast? I drive a stick and it takes me a little longer to pick up speed. If maybe I had pleaded and apologized more to the creature on his black horse. If my puppy hadn't growled at first. If... if... if... it was too late. I had the ticket in my hands and the discouragement in my heart. Why?!! I've never seen a cop there before. I'm hardly driving this car. All is lost and I should just give up. I've never cried getting a ticket before. Mostly I'm just pissed. I usually get over it and move on. But sometimes you are in this place where you are so close to the edge that anything might send you over. You are stranded in the ocean and you are finally gaining your strength back from your last crash to keep your head above water. It's just when the waters seem to calm that another wave comes crashing down on you. It hits like a car crash. You don't know which way is up. The whole time you are wondering will I make it to the surface before I drown. Where's the surface? My arms and legs are moving, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm drowning. 

Even though my mind has given up my body takes over and refuses to quit. I can't control it. My lungs are telling my body what to do. Swim. Swim. I notice that the water is getting lighter. That must be the top. It looks so far away. Breath. I survived. I'm exhausted. I can hardly stay afloat, but that little breath was enough to keep me alive. This is my life as an artist.

DJME

Wicka What?!

I finally did my first solo DJ gig. I was so nervous. My biggest fear was technical problems that I wouldn't know how to fix. Doesn't matter if I pick all the best songs and mix them well that even Grandma Mimi is dancing if the speakers fail and the music stops. When me and the DJ I worked with met with our client the week prior he brought the equipment for me because he wasn't going to be able to make it to the gig due to a family death. We set up the equipment in my dad's shop and I recorded where every plug went and what the vital buttons did. I had spent the days leading up to the gig downloading music. I made sure I had the specific songs; processional, recessional, first dance, cake cutting...ect. The bride music preference was slow rock or easy listening... No one can dance to that. Even though I did my best to clutter my iTunes with her long list of elevator music I hoped that once everyone was dancing she wouldn't care to hear Third Eye Blind or Matchbox 20. Also, she was a country fan. Ugh. Other than heavy metal country is my weak spot. So I spent a couple days jammin with Swift, Chesney, McGraw. If you don't know who that is then lucky you. I guess it could be worse. Screamo wedding? I would have to double my price.

So I downloaded hundreds of new songs... and by download I mean pirated. Did I say this was my first solo gig? No way can I afford to buy every album. I was excited for the wedding. The day of the event I got help setting up the equipment. The wedding was upstairs and even a buff chick like me could use an extra hand, speakers aren't light. The wedding went off without a hitch. Everything sounded great, no technical issues, and I got everyone on the dance floor. I love seeing people sing and dance along to songs they enjoy. My next favorite thing about being a DJ is when I'm packing up people of all ages let me know how much they enjoyed the music and how I would mix it up between new songs and oldies they grew up with. However, I still got to work on my MC skills. Next on the list is to pick a DJ name.

Training days

You know those days when you open you're eyes and you are overwhelmed with fatigue and it stays with you all day? I was dreading my long day and the struggle my eyelids would have against me. Just stay open for 10 more hours. I love busy days, but right now I'd kill for tomorrow to come sooner. Kill.

I was so prepared for a bad grumpy day, but was sleepily surprised. My first stop of the day was to check on video camera. Very knowledgeable guy gave me all the info I need well except how to afford them. For a Canon 5D the body alone is $3,000. What's so special about this camera you might ask. Well since I've been educated let me tell you. The Canon 5D has become the standard for filmmakers. I mean Spielberg isn't using one, but the directors of the show House are. What's great about this SLR (single lens reflex) is that it not only takes pictures at 28 megapixels, but also HD video. With the add on lenses you have control over your depth of field unlike in a standard video camera. There are 2 problems with this camera. One is that the internal microphone is useless. You have to buy an external mic which aren't cheap either. Second problem is with the auto focus. It doesn't have one while filming. So if you're recording and your subject moves out of focus you have to focus them manually. This can get really tricky if you are shooting wildlife, sports, or documentaries. It is rumored that Canon is coming out with a new camera in a month or two and possibly the focus problem will be fixed.

I guess I'll just wait for the new one that comes out the decade I can afford it. When I walked into the store I thought maybe $1,500 or the most $2,000 was what I had to save up for not $3,000 plus an extra $1,000 for some lenses and a microphone. Who is buying these? No wonder they are being used in the film industry because no average hobbyist could afford it. Including me.

Here is what the lovely camera looks like. Isn't it beautiful? If anyone wants to donate some money to my camera cause I will humbly accept. Or if you are one of the lucky millions that has one and is tired of it not being put to use I will gladly take it off your hands. Or you can make an investment and I will make you a beautiful video.

Countdown

30 days left. I've chosen a path. I don't know what this path looks like. I don't know where this paths leads me. I look at this allusive path and it's dark. It's scary. But its mysterious. It looks like adventure, success, pain, doubt, but freedom. Freedom for the average. I've decided to be an entrepreneur. No more job interviews. No more being controlled by the man. Freedom. So here is what I'm doing.

I'm moving towards something. I'm not sure what. I'm moving slowly, but anything is better than stagnant. So far I've taught one tennis lesson, put up my art in a gallery, had DJ beat matching lessons, and filmed a promo. Only 2 out of 4 have income, but I'm hoping to bat 1000 in the future. It's amazing how expensive life is. I need about $500 a month to survive. But I don't want to just survive. I want to live, invest, enjoy freedom.

Reflect

37 day.

37 long grueling days of work left before I quit to pursue something better. 37 days fast intense days to find another source of income. What am I going to do? I have a long list of ways to get by, but nothing substantial. No career path. I just don't know what I want to do. Well I know what I want, but don't know how to get there. How does one become a National Geographic Explorer? How does one travel the world documenting what's going on in places we have never heard of? How does one tell stories of people that we know nothing about? How do we love the unknown? I don't know how but I do. I love what I don't know. I love places I've never been and people I've never met. I love tastes that I could never imagine and experiences I couldn't have written myself. I love not knowing what the day will bring. I'm not looking for security. I'm not looking for a husband, a job with a good maternity leave, and a house in a safe neighborhood for kids. I'm looking for adventure. I want a life worth telling. I want a life you could read about in books and magazines. I want a life worth living. What I have now I wouldn't call a life. I'm not living. I'm surviving. I'm passing time. Wasting away. I'm a vegetable and no one has had the courage to pull the cord. Life is my feeding tube. But recently my eyes have begun to flicker. I think might hand might have twitched. Wait it looks like their might be some brain activity. The doctor says I'll never be the same though. I've killed too many brain cells in my coma-like life. Is it too late? Never. I feel the fog lifting. I can hear voices. My eyes aren't open yet, but the voices are there. The voices are back telling me I'm going to live. I'm going to pull through. It's not over. There is so much left for you. There are aromas you haven't smelled. Flavors you have yet to taste. Places to go and so many sites to see. Hearts you have yet to touch. Life you have yet to live. It is all waiting for you. Just hold on. Wake up. Open your eyes. Come to life. Breath. Take out the tubes of mediocrity crippling you. Wake up Amy. As I struggle to come to life I feel fear. I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm able to do. Will I ever run again? Can I leave the comfort of the known. The comfort of being average. The comfort of not failing due to not trying. What if I fail? Can failing be worse than this numbness. Can trying be worse than feeling like a victim to unfair circumstances? What if I'm not good enough? Is it worse than knowing I'm better than to live out my remaining days in a coma? What can you accomplish in a coma? All you can do is imagine how you were made for something more. She was so young. She had so much life yet to live before she put herself coma of average. It's like a dream the moment before you wake when you realize you are dreaming. You are relieved it's just a dream. There is the small voice that says wake up. Hurry and wake up. You are going to be ok. This isn't real. This coma isn't real. It's just a dream, more of a nightmare where you run and run but your legs are heavy. So heavy. You know you can run faster, but the lead in your legs is slowing you down. If you could just run as fast as you know you can run you'd make it to safety. The bad guy wouldn't catch you. Legs Run!!! Wake up Amy. I'm awake. I can run. I can breathe. I'm ready to live. Life what do you have for me? I don't need any more insecurity. I've had my share of doubt. Give me the good stuff. Give me what you have given the heroes. Give me hope. Give me life. If you don't give it to me I will take it. I will take it and never give it back. I will be great. Nothing will stop me. I'm ready. Even though my muscles have atrophied and my mind is muddled. I can't remember what greatness feels like I know it feels great. My coma has made me realize how wonderful life is. The soreness my body feel reminds me that I was made to move. Move mountains. Move hearts. So I'm at the starting line. I'm down in a runner's start position. My muscles are twitching in nerves and anticipation. I look around and no one else is around. Where are the other runner's? When will the gun blast? When do I start? I'm ready. Someone tell me when to start. Judge? Wait is this a sprint or marathon? Am I prepared. Just give me the sign to go. My muscles start to relax. I'm waiting. Maybe I should stretch some more? No I feel ready. Let's go. If I'm to run alone in this race why do I need someone to tell me when to start. Start now Amy. Now? I didn't hear a bang, a go, or start. You don't need one. This is your life. Just go. Now? Yes. RUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!

Monologue

Good evening Mr. bond

I just finished my first ever monologue for the intermediate acting class. I know I know. Compared to how terrifying the last class was you're surprised I would torment myself again. Glutton for punishment. Last class was miserable but I squeaked out without doing a monologue. Which was a blessing since it wasn't really a monologue. This class we were supposed to prepare a monologue and be ready to play 10 measures of music using an instrument that we've never played before. Crazy huh? It took me 3 days to decide if I still wanted to take the class. I waited till the Wednesday before the class to register. After much convincing and self determination. I searched for hours online for a monologue. Finally my mom stumbled on one that was a perfect fit. It was a bond girl. One of the smart ones not the dumb blondes that dies after having sex with Bond. Then my dad gave me his harmonica for my other performance. I picked "Blowin in the wind", by Dylan cause I knew the rhythm. Even though when I played it you couldn't tell. I was terrified. My sister being present in this class was only a small condolence. She was going to sing for her instrument. I know that's cheating. Exactly what I told her. She definitely has used that instrument before. And she didn't prepare a monologue. Can you believe it?! My sister who always talked about being an actress refused to prepare a monologue. Ridiculous. She says it's not fear though. Who believes that? Not I.

We started the class with some exercises that gets everyone moving and interacting. Next was our music audition. Everything was intense. Every performance was taken to a new level by the instructor, Di. I was nervous what extra stipulation would be added to my performance. Anna didn't sign up to play her "instrument". Don't worry it's not due to fear.

In one person's performance she had everyone get involved by dancing or playing music. After 20 minutes we took a break. I looked at my watch and it was only 12:30. I still had 4.5 hours to go. Me and my sis grabbed some grub and headed back to the room of vulnerability. My sister talked to the instructor about her song and that she wasn't sure she was ready to take acting seriously. Or something like that to get out of it. Well we didn't go back to the performing music, but shifted to some other exercises. The instructor had us all get in a circle and had one young man walk around the circle and make eye contact with everyone. We were all supposed to give off love and encouragement to help him open up and prepare the space for our monologues. Well after he went around the circle multiple times with multiple instructions Di introduced him to each person and said something about the love that person was giving off. Well when they made their way to Anna, Di told the man that Anna had a song for him. So then she asked Anna to sing her song. Glorious!!! Get out of that one. Oh the look on Anna's face. I had to hold back my chuckle. Anna hesitated to get her bearings then sang to the boy and everyone else in the circle. The lyrics went perfectly with the scenario. It was a worship song about going through a valley with God and about being accepted for who you were. It was only about 15 seconds, but I think it made a difference in the guy's demeanor.

After this exercise people started to do their monologues. The first one was from Shakespeare. The girl did an amazing job and Di pushed her to even more amazement. The rest after that seemed to be the same level of seriousness and intensity. I purposefully avoided a monologue that would cause me to yell, cry, or act crazy. I guess in the acting world the more intense the better. As time started to slip away Anna slipped out the back door and off to work. There was one more hour left till I got to escape and I had yet to perform. I was not so secretly hoping that I would dodge another bullet. During a break someone said they had to leave early so he would like to go next. Di said she wanted to make sure everyone got a chance and wanted to know if anyone else had to leave early. I didn't want to say anything, but since she asked I couldn't very well sneak out innocently any longer. So I was second. The guy had chosen a calm serious scene that he was having a hard time getting any emotion out of ... now I know why actors choose intensity... it's easier to portray. Having to portray a less obvious and intense emotion can be a lot more challenging. Sadness is crying. Anger is yelling. Joy is laughing. But what about contempt. Or smugness. I look at my watch for the 176 time that day and I have 15 minutes before work. I'm gonna get off the hook... "Who's up?... Amy." Damn!

Di asked me what I needed in the scene. James Bond. So after I briefly explained my character and the scene I took a deep breath... and died. Some part in my died. The part that had never done a monologue. The part in me that thought I would never act. The part that told me I wasn't good enough. The part that apologized when I walked in the room. The part that feared failure to the point I never tried. That part died and another part of me was born. I was alive. I was doing it. I was failing and being ok. I was acting... well... for two lines before Diane stopped me. She said I was acting as if I'd seen the movie and was just trying to portray what I saw. She asked me all sorts of questions to help me understand where I was coming from in the scene.
Is your character smart?
Yes
Is she a virgin?
No
What relationship does Bond have with you?
I have just met him and I want to prove I'm just as smart and good as he is.
So this is a competition?
Yes
And he might ask you to have sex with you later?
Yes

After starting then being told to stop again I thought I wasn't going to get through this. I just wanted to run out of the room. Di told me to quit trying to act. I wasn't adding the attitude which is why I picked this monologue. I'm a jock I know how to banter. I know how to put a guy in his place. I shifted in my seat and put Bond is his place. Here was my monologue.


Casino Royale (2006)
by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, and Paul Haggis

Vesper: Alright, by the cut of your suit you went to Oxford or wherever, and naturally think
human beings dress like that. But you wear it with such disdain, my guess is you didn’t come
from money. And your school friends never let you forget it. Which means you were at that
school by the grace of someone else’s charity. Hence the chip on your shoulder. And since
your first thought about me ran to orphan, that’s what I’d say you are...

Oh, you are? I like this poker thing. And that makes perfect sense. Since MI6 looks for
maladjusted young men, who give little though to sacrificing others in order to protect Queen
and country. You know, former SAS types with easy smiles and expensive watches. Rolex?
Ah, Omega. Beautiful.

Now having just met you I wouldn’t go as far as calling you a cold hearted bastard. But it
wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine. You think of women as disposable pleasure rather than
meaningful pursuits. So as charming as you are, I’ll be keeping my eye on our government’s
money, and off your perfectly formed ass.

Even accountants have imagination. Good evening, Mr. Bond.

I did it. Everyone in the room started clapping. Di told me how proud she was of me. I did it. I can't believe it. It felt good. I felt the I said the lines how they were supposed to be said. I had conquered that fear. I had to immediately run out of the room and head to work. I felt invincible. On the way to work I was hot, flushed, on a high. I can do anything. 

Facing Fears

Today was a turning point in my life. I took a step through a door that I have kept shut my whole life. I took a step closer to my dreams and destiny. I took an acting class. It was terrifying. To some people this might not seem like a big deal. Just like sky diving might not seem like a big deal to me, but if you have acrophobia (fear of heights) then it's a different story. Well today I was an acrophobic sky diving. I felt like I leaped off a cliff. Now this torment wasn't my idea. My sister begged me to take the class with her and my mom proceeded to prod me. I figured it was time to face my fears, but really I was hoping I wouldn't be too involved. That would be a false hope as I received an email telling me to prepare a monologue for class. What?! I have to act?! Immediately I was ready to drop the class. I'm not ready for this. My sister and mom continued to persuade me saying that this would be good for me. Well as doom day got closer I found my escape route quickly diminishing. I had to email a quick bio of my acting experience and what I hoped to get out of the class. My email went something like this:

My name is Amy Brown and I'm a Redding local. I have a BA in Cinema and Digital Media. I do not have any acting experience. I do not plan on acting in the future. One might wonder why I'd take this class. Well my sister loves acting. She is in this class and asked me to take it with her. I understand that if I plan on working in films it's important to understand what to expect from your actors. I hate public speaking and being in large crowds and I'm terrified of monologuing and this class. This will be quite a challenge for me, but action conquers fear... or so I'm told. I'm hoping this class will challenge me to be comfortable expressing myself personally and creatively.

Quite honest I know. Too honest? Well here is the response I got:

Hi Amy,  Diane Venora here.  Thank you for your email.  I need to let you know that this class would not be advisable for you.  The class is intense physically, mentally and technically.  I do not teach beginning actors.  I know those who do do that more effectively than I.  However they are in Los Angeles.  

I hope that this doesn't discourage you.  Your money will be happily refunded of course.  I do thank you for stepping out of your comfort zone.   The criteria for the class is that everyone is passionate about the craft needed to become a professional actor.  As a creative alternative I can suggest to WPAC a beginning class for non-actors, introducing you to the rudiments of the craft for sensitivity to actors by doing it yourself.  That would be something special and constructed specifically for you.

That's the best I can do at this time.   Thank you Amy .  I would love to hear your thoughts on all of this.

There was my out! I couldn't ask for a more painless way to avoid discomfort and humiliation. Most people in my situation would have thanked the heavens for answering prayers. Well it seems that I'm not most people. All this email did was motivate me. My fear subsided and my pride overwhelmed me. No one tells me no. I'm the only one that gets to discount my abilities. So where was my thoughtful response:

Thank you for your response. I was unaware of the qualifications and I appreciate your concerns. I respect your profession and the experience you will bring to the class. I understand the frustrations that can arise when a student is out of place from my tennis coaching experience. However, motivation and determination can overcome some technical skills. I doubt that the purpose of your email was to inspire me to want to take this class, and if so I'm even more impressed. Nothing lights a fire and eliminates my fears more that being told I can't or shouldn't do something. I'm not just stubborn, but excited for the challenge. I've tried to take an acting class before and it was canceled. I've been hesitate to become a local reporter because of being on camera. I've made a decision lately to think big and do something I've never imagined. I've given my self 90 days to quit my job and pursue a passion. Since then I've faced opposition and discouragement. I now believe I'm meant to take this class because something is trying to prevent me from pursuing something greater. Now the decision to let me go to the class is up to you. I respect your professional opinion and in no way and I'm trying to guilt or pressure you. I'm confident my life will continue on to a better story whether or not I'm in this class so don't worry about that. If you think it's best for me to find a beginner class than I will do what it takes to find one. Once again thank you for your response and concerns. If I don't see you Saturday I'll make sure to find out everything from my sister. Enjoy your day.

I have officially requested my own death sentence. She let me in the class.

Then the worst happened. I find out that my sister didn't request work off. She waited so long that when she finally asked no one would cover her shift. Now I'm pissed. I guilted this acting professor to let a beginner into her class just because I'm a stubborn over-overachiever and now I'll have to go solo. It's amazing the amount of stress that is released when just one familiar face is in the room. What was going to make this class bearable was that familiar face. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't possibly go to the class alone, but I couldn't bail after the fit I made. I stressed about my decision for the next 3 days before the class. It was all I could think about. I also had to figure out what my monologue would be. I didn't know what a monologue was so I had to look it up.

mon·o·logue [mon-uh-lawg, -log]

Noun

 1.

a form of dramatic entertainment, comedic solo, or the like by a single speaker: a comedian's monologue.

2.

a prolonged talk or discourse by a single speaker, especially one dominating or monopolizing a conversation.

3.

any composition, as a poem, in which a single person speaks alone.

4.

a part of a drama in which a single actor speaks alone; soliloquy.

I thought I understood what I needed to do. So I wrote a monologue. I wrote a personal reflection/monologue.  It was maybe too personal, but I didn't know what else to write. 

I don't belong here. Everything is telling me that I shouldn't be in this class. I lack the experience. My sister who begged me to take this class with her bailed on me. My own fears and doubts tell me that I'm out of my league. I keep telling myself that I don't have to put myself through this. But I know that no great story comes without risk, suffering, and sacrifice. The fear I have for this class cannot be greater than my fear of failure. I cannot let the voice that once said I was meant for something great be silenced by the voice that now says, "maybe I'm just average". I'm here to face my fears. I'm here because this is where I belong.

After a couple of days of practicing and with one day till the class my sister asked what monologue I was doing. I told her I wrote it. Well she informed me that you don't write monologues, but memorize ones from plays or movies. What?! Why didn't she tell me this earlier? Now I have a fake monologue memorized and nothing to fall back on. My sis tried to assure me that it would be fine and just go ahead and do it. 
The dreadful day came. As I drove to Inspiration Place (that is the actually name of the school where it was held) I'm terrified. I am hurriedly rehearsing my lines in my head. I realize that it is nearly impossible to drive and say my lines. This is probably why action stars don't have long monologues. Too much multitasking. I walked into the room of my eminent doom. Luckily and unfortunately I don't know anyone. If I could stereotype an acting class this would be it. Actually this class looks like any kind of self-help class. Everyone was different which is better than everyone being the same unless you are the same as well. I have no problem joking around with jocks because I can play that role. Now to walk into a room of politicians would leave me feeling a little left out. So the wide array of stereotypes brought me little comfort; the mom giving it another go after her kids got a little older, middle-aged man who still doesn't know who he is, expressive black girl, quirky British girl, older shy tap dancing women, middle-aged confident competent women, emotional contemporary hipster dancer, too-not-so-cool one earring bro-man, chubby dramatic girl from Hairspray, serious unfriendly teacher's pet, eccentric amazing acting professional teacher, and me, insecure self-aware out-of-place jock. It was drama. Like any time you put a bunch of people together drama plus ten times more intense. My heart was trying to punch a hole in my chest.

We went around the room saying our hellos and what we hoped to get out of the class. Next was some small exercises. We had to walk around the room reciting our monologues, out loud. Then there were obstacles put around the room that we had to step on, crawl under, jump off of, while still reciting our monologue. During this time I couldn't stop looking at the clock as the second hands slowed to a stop. I think time was standing still. Not in the good way like you've met the person of your dreams, but the heartbreak way when you find out the person of your dreams is cheating on you. All I want to do is run away. It takes all my energy not to break down. As the day continued the exercises got more and more... geez how else do I say dramatic. We were put into groups and had to portray the movement of a plastic bag expanding after being squished into a ball while telling a story about it... without words. Drama... eye roll. 

I was halfway through the class and so far I had survived. I hadn't cried or run out of the room. I also hadn't stood out as the worst actress in the room, mainly because we haven't had to do any solo performances yet. I had started to feel like I was going to survive by blending into the background. Oh how wrong I was. 

One hour before I was released back into the safe world we did one last exercise. We were paired with someone and we were supposed to convey an emotion while we both held on to a stick. The emotion the teacher chose was... wait for it... insanity. Seriously. Insanity. Why not something simple like sadness, anger, awkwardness, frustration, fear, any of the feelings I were currently experiences would have been helpful. Oh no. I have to get The Joker emotion. I didn't even know what to do. Joining this class was insane so if there was a way to harness that poor judgement I would have been great. Instead, I just stared at my partner who I was convinced needed to be institutionalized while I portrayed terror; sheer terror. I let go of the stick (prop), which  I quickly learned.was a big no no. The teacher told me I had broke the scene and didn't capture insanity like my partner. I don't really remember what the teacher had said afterwards because I felt a fuzzy fog take me down to hell where I sweat through all my clothes and minions clawed my flesh. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. When I was finally released from her grasp I sat back down and fought back tears. I was extremely shaken up. 

I finally calmed myself down in time for the monologues. As each person volunteered to do their monologue I was counting down the time. We looked like we had more monologues than we had time to perform them. Luckily, so many stage whores were excited to perform that the teacher never had to call on somebody. As each person performed I prayed they would get a lengthy critique. Some people had to recite their monologue over 10 times before the teacher was satisfied. More critique for others meant no critique for me. With 2 minutes left on the clock and another Rachel Berry itching to go I knew I was in the clear. For the first time in 6 hours I took a deep breath and my shoulder found their way down past my neck. I did it. Well not really because I never did a monologue. Not that I had a real one prepared anyways. I was safe. I thanked the teacher and hurried out of the room. I vowed never to go back. Acting is way harder than you think. There is so much emotion and vulnerability. I'm the first girl to try new things, but I have found my limit.

It wasn't my dream to become an actress so I don't know why I was so affected by this class. I should have just done the exercises and laughed it off. Maybe I  shouldn't have forced myself into the class and therefore put so much pressure on myself to keep up. I can't imagine going to an audition in front of judges and thousands of people and perform your heart out only to be criticized and possibly ridiculed. I wish that I wasn't so terrified of performing in front of others. I don't believe in having phobias or debilitating fears. I'm not saying everyone should swim with the sharks or climb Half Dome without any gear, but I believe that if something prevents you from having a full life then you should do everything you can to conquer that fear. Fortunately, being on Broadway isn't a goal so I'll just let this fear hang by the wayside. I tried and for that I am proud of myself. Now to go work on my insanity.


Another acting class? http://amebrown.blogspot.com/2012/05/monologue.html

I've perfected my insanity.