Feminine Art?

Day idk any more

Today in my print making class I was struggling to make a certain print. I was using water color paint made for print and hated it. I much rather use thick, smeary ink. Anywho, as I was cleaning up my disappointment a woman in my class told me that she really liked my work and how feminine everything I do is. She thought my subjects were dainty and soft. Or some bullshit like that. I don't know why I was so surprised and slightly offended. I mean being feminine is great. Marilyn Monroe was a pro at it. But I've never thought I was noticeably feminine. It could be because I spend most my time in sweats and workout clothes, hardly wear makeup, prefer action or romance, and enjoy insensitive sarcasm.

Can I be all those things and still be feminine? What is feminine? Feminine doesn't mean girly. It doesn't mean that I think sweat is gross, eat salads, or am squeamish around insects even though spiders might bring me to tears. Being feminine is apart of being a woman. That is something I should be proud of. And I am. However, I'd prefer if my art wasn't gender specific. I don't blame the woman who generalized my work. How can I? My work lately has been a little... well feminine. When I create artwork I tend to have a recipient of my art in mind. Lately it's been my sister and she is the girly kind of feminine. She's a makeup artist, fashion lover, shopaholic. In my ceramic class last semester I made a high heel and huge lips with lipsticks hanging down that I gave her as a Christmas present. Someone in that class asked if I loved fashion. Do I dress like it?

I have to admit that the art I enjoy isn't emotionally charged, but more aesthetically pleasing. I like pretty things. I don't lean towards dark and demented. If I wouldn't want it in my house then I probably won't make it. I can appreciate some of those eerie artists, but I'm not drawn to a piece that makes me uncomfortable whether that is the intent or not.

But what makes something feminine? Hasn't feminine has changed over time. Some historical kings used to wear makeup and high heels and purple was deemed a royal color. Also, when you walk into a church or Sistine chapel I don't see dungeons and dragons. I see bright colors with voluptuous beautiful woman. Renaissance art is full of natural beauty. Glutav Klimt is of my favorite artists and his most famous piece "The Kiss", which is so gently and soft.

Besides what would masculine art be? Gladiators battling to the death? Fire breathing dragons? Video games? Phhh. Haven't seen many of those in the museums. So I guess my art is "feminine". Whose isn't?

fem lamp

The Bible for bucks

Day 38

Christian. What does that mean? Don't worry I'm not going to talk about theology... today anyways. Christian means someone who believes in God and models their life after Jesus. This is my definition, on the most basic level. Based on this definition I'd call myself a Christian.

Hot topic I know. The reason I bring it up is because I'm getting paid to be religious. Not like pastors or televangelists. I'm getting paid to read the bible. Since I'm a Christian you might think well haven't you already read it? And if you thought that you would be wrong. I was talking to my sister a couple days ago and asked if she has read the whole Bible. So I'm not the only Christian that has merely dabbled in God's word. I'm not making excuses. Well kinda. I don't know why some of us Christians haven't read the whole thing. We usually just pick out the parables that we can apply to our lives. One reason might be because the Old Testament can be pretty scary. There are definitely some passages that make it hard to imagine God as loving father.

Oh back to why exploring my faith will get my some extra cash. Well last night Rez's (my bf) grandpa, Bernie, invited us out to dinner at Red Lobster. By the way I failed my diet. I was planning on sticking to it, but I made a deal with Rez that if I slipped up this one time he won't ever pressure me again and will be even more supportive of my hypoallergenic diet. Also, he said he wouldn't make or eat any more cookies for the rest of the month. He is a chocolate chip cookie fiend. He'll eat half a batch in one night. Damn him and his metabolism. Anywho. It was a deal worth making. Win win. Too bad I still tried to keep close to my diet because the tilapia was so so and overwhelmed with spices. Even the steamed broccoli couldn't breathe underneath all the salt they put on it. Luckily my Bahama Mama drink was super delicious.

I still haven't gotten to my point. If you're still with me I'll lay it out. Bernie is an atheist. Need I say more? Oh and he loves to argue. So I was thrown into a debate about the Bible (thanks Rez) and its accuracy. Bernie has read the Bible, the whole thing. Since I haven't he challenged me to read it and he'd even pay for me to do it. Did I say he loves to argue? Enough to pay me to educate myself in my faith in order to better argue my case. He was so excited that I took him up on the challenge that he hurried us out of the restaurant and over to Barnes & Nobles to pick my weapon of choice (aka Bible).

Bernie picked out the first one he saw, but there are so many translations and since it's the first time I've ever got a new Bible I needed some time to choose. NIV, NKJ, NLT what does it all mean? I gave my mom a call to get her opinion. Bernie couldn't believe I was calling my mom and sarcastically said, "Why don't you just ask God which Bible to get?". So I got down on my knees and did just that. While praying loudly for some sort of Bible guidance Bernie had to walk away from embarrassment. Even though I didn't get an answer it was worth watching Bernie squirm. After reading aloud passages in multiple translation to help my indecision Bernie just picked a nice leather NIV to buy. When we dropped him off he was all excited to discuss Genesis when I was ready.

I might need to join a study group. I learned that Bernie converted his first wife to atheism and "rescued" her from Christianity. I'm hoping he isn't trying to do the same to me. I feel like we are battling for the Rez's soul. Bernie is trying to convince him to come to the dark side. No Rez come to the... light side? I looked up the opposite of dark side and couldn't find anything substantial. Geez the dark side always has all the cool stuff... we can't even get a good name.

Light or Dark you can choose for yourself. No matter what I'm $150 richer. Thank God.

Vive's punishment when she doesn't heel

Artist mojo

Day 37

"Oh no I've lost my Mojo?!" After a month off I felt quite rusty. I'm talking about being creative... perverts! If being creative was like riding a bike then I would have had many crashes and broken my arm over these past two weeks. I felt like I had lost all my momentum and I was running uphill or more like tumbling downhill. I stuck through it and kept on peddling and finally my brain switched into artist mode. I wonder what part of my brain turned off to compensate. Goodbye mathematics. I didn't use you much anyways.

After 3 weeks of feeling stuck and betrayed by my own creativity I finally started to see the light in the form of inspiration. In my glass blowing class I was worried I was going to get stuck with an ugly glass tile that I couldn't give away at a yard sale. Then last week my creative cataracts lifted and I had a vision for my work. This week I was able to replicate my vision.

Now I'm gonna do my best to not ruin my luck with preemptive praise. Plenty can still go wrong. I still have to mold my cast, pore the glass, and put it in the kiln. I'm not excited for the final product I'm excited for my creative process.

Today in print making I came to class with an idea in mind. This can be dangerous because my expectations are rarely met with premeditation. Its usually more of a spark that gets ignited on a whim. That doesn't stop stubborn me. So after research and planning I had everything ready to start my project. As I got going I realized I made a mistake and was about to give up. This just isn't working. I decided to just use my sketch as a rough draft and not a final which gave me freedom to change my print to work for me. Success. Once it was on paper it was better than I imagined. Now it's not going to hang next to Warhol in a gallery, but it will hang up with the strings of determination elegantly in my mind.

Now that I have my art mojo back I'm dying to do everything creative. From finishing my third knit hat, cooking new gluten free food, and dressing like gaga in a Nazarene church (so lightly more modest) I want to explore this part of my brain that I split open.

Let the mojo flow. Ya baby ya.

queen in the castle

23 to gluten

Day 36

I desperately hope that I'm not allergic to gluten. I hope I'm not allergic to anything, but most of all gluten. I don't know how people do this for a lifetime. I feel like I'm always hungry... more like starving. Today while I was meeting my sister at Starbucks (only green tea I brought from home) I was munching on my snack, grapes. I don't know what I looked like, but she said I was eating in a manner that made her feel like she needed to feed me. I did have a couple of close calls with those darn fingers getting too close, but they survived. Granted I was trying my best to spread out my snacks so I didn't starve at work and couldn't wait for my grapes, but... well no buts, it's hard. Why don't you try it? Ahhhh. I don't want to be one of those annoying girls that talk about what they eat every day, but I just can't believe this is a lifestyle for some people.

Ok so here is me being an annoying girl sharing my food regimen.... feel my pain
Breakfast: oatmeal with almond milk and honey
Lunch: chicken salad with as many veggies I can find at the house and olive oil, balsamic dressing
Snack: fruit
Dinner: chicken again with brown rice
Dessert: brown rice cake with almond butter

Then repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

I know there are some other options, but for some reason they all seem to have 30 ingredients. It's like a treasure hunt searching for these specialty ingredients except at the end you don't find gold coins, but instead expensive tasteless mush. It would be one thing if the food was cheap, and tasteless, but no it's expensive, tasteless, and time consuming. I have to plan ahead so far in advance or else go hungry. Today I had a 2 hour time slot between class and work. Instead of using that time to take my dog for a walk, clean, ok I'll be honest, nap I spent the time cooking and preparing my dinner. First defrost (not so free-range) chicken, marinade, grill, put aside for dinner.

Now onto lunch. Salad. Ugh. I don't understand why when I get organic spinach it's still super dirty? It doesn't prove to me that it organic just because it has dirt on it. Chemically pumped produce also came from the ground. All it shows me is laziness and more work for me. Good thing I don't have a garden. After chopping up of the veggies, eating, and preparing my snacks I only had 20 minutes before work.

Who has time for this? Luckily it's only 22 more days and not a lifetime. As if cooking all my food wasn't enough of a challenge going out to eat will be even more of a feat. I'm supposed to go to dinner with friends tomorrow night. They picked out Red Lobster because they thought I'd have a better chance finding some hypoallergenic meals. I thought so too until I double checked online. While restaurants are trying to appease the allergenic, it is only one item at a time. I couldn't find anything that met all my diet requirements. I guess it'll be salad again or be the annoying health nut that asks for 17 substitutions on my meal. I can't wait for the cook to spit in my food while saying "how's that gluten-free". Maybe I'll just eat before.

22 more grueling days.... 21 at 2 hours

A Giant Win!!

Day 35

My losing streak is over. After 2 years of paying up I finally get paid. I'm hoping this turns my luck around. Granted I wasn't invested in this team. I just bet on the opposing team to whatever Rez (my bf) picked. He like the quarter back Aaron Rogers so he went with the New England Patriots, which left me with Eli Manning and the Giants. I'm not going to break down the whole game for you, especially since I spent most my time in the kitchen making homemade gluten-free pizza. I'll go over that fiasco later. While a majority of the game was entertaining nothing made me use my Tivo for a replay like some of the commercials did. The M & Ms commercial was the best in my opinion. Finally there was some creativity this year.



When we reached half-time I was not only disappointed that my team was losing, but also that the half-time show did nothing to cheer me up. I thought Madonna was the icon for female empowerment so why did she lip-sync and dance around like Brittney Spears during her shaved head days. It was awkward to watch. A wardrobe malfunction would have made it bearable.

Luckily the game kept me entertained to the very end. As the Giants got a touch down in the last minute of the game I was overwhelmed with hope once again. The Patriots had the ball as the clock slowly ran out. The game ended in the end-zone as the clock hit 0:00 with an incomplete. I couldn't believe I had won a bet. I waited to make sure there weren't any flags that went up to take away my victory. Then came the confetti. I won, I won, I won!!! I jumped up and down and did my obnoxious victory dance that was a little rusty from so many losses. So I just want everyone to know that I'm one venti non-fat, no-foam, no-water chai richer.

Unfortunately the whole day wasn't a win. My gluten-free pizza fumbled. The dough had a chewing gum quality. One bite and 20 chews. Oh well. I gave the leftovers to my sis because she is trying to go gluten-free. She must have a lower standards. Gluten-free or not I'm not eating that pizza again. Today was my day off this week from my hypoallergenic diet so I also made normal amazing pizza. Chicken bbq with all the trimmings. Touchdown.

Winning. Bets anyone?

in a tupperware & off you go gluten-free

gluten goes great with pizza

Starving artists

Day 35

"I think I should quit my job and pursue my art."

This was what I told my mom around 10:45am yesterday morning. I haven't thought too much about it lately it just popped into my mind. Well I take that back my family has been encouraging me to start making videos, but the quit my job part is all me. Nice thought isn't it? Just do what you love. Well I just met someone who is living that dream.

After I finished the 9am yoga class, which is a little early for my eyelids, but worth the exercise, I usually do some extra poses that we may have skipped. During my extra stretching a 70ish year old woman walked in who had gotten the yoga times mixed up. The instructor encouraged her to just do what she knew on her own. When I came back from a quick break in the sauna to get loosened up a little more the older woman was talking to the instructor about ending a 20 year relationship with an alcoholic. As she started crying I wondered if I should just pick up my yoga mat and slink out. But my need for stretching overwhelmed my emotional discomfort. As I was trying not to eves drop I heard her talk about how the pain has transformed her art. Then she started talking about how when she worked a regular job she felt like she was wasting her time by not pursuing art. Well that statement caught my attention. So as I was leaving I felt like I should give some form of encouragement. I told her that I had just informed my family earlier that day that I wanted to quit my job and pursue my art. I was hoping to tell her how amazing she was for pursuing her passion. However, I never got a chance because I didn't get much of a word in the next 30 minutes. She told me how much work it was trying to survive in the art business. She told me that I need to join an art group and the one she belonged to was not at all snobbish. She went on about her experiences as an artist and what she thought I should try. She wanted me to surround myself with artists in order to inspire creativity.

When Jane talked about art and the affects it had on her life she was no longer the weeping woman on the yoga mat worried about finding love again. She was full of life and energy. I want to be that excited about my work. Now as we all know that the term "starving artists" didn't come from artist fasting out of choice. When you are in a field where the quality of you work is mostly subjective there is no security. Well until you become famous. Then everything is somehow amazing. Unfortunately, this doesn't usually happen till you are a worm feast. I could invest all my time in being an engineer or lawyer and makes lots of money, but that's not my passion. I wish it was.

Even though I may never be rich I'd rather be poor and do what I love. Money can't buy happiness even though I wouldn't mind giving it a try. I'm not making much money now so might as well be poor and happy than poor and unhappy.

Now I didn't go into work today and put in my two weeks notice. How inspiring would that have been? Instead I talked to my family about renting a studio for us all to be inspired and work on our art. I do photography and cinematography, my sister is an amazing makeup artist, my mom is a fashion consultant and designer (I wish she'd make all my clothes), and my dad is a writer (author of "I'm hungry"). So put us all together and we should be able to make a good team. When we aren't fighting. Why do some artists put everything they have into creating while some of us complain about our jobs, but won't take the leap. Comfort? How comfortable is it to waste away your life at an unsatisfying job?

Before me and Judy parted she did tell me another important piece of advice. I said I didn't want to be a wedding photographer just because the pay was more consistent and easy. She said when she was younger she thought the same thing. She never did it, but instead did some commercial photography. She told me just because you do things to help finance your art doesn't mean you'll become a wedding photographer. She said back then she should have worked for some happy couples for some extra cash and that I should give it a try as well. Also, that I should view myself as a documentarian not just a generic wedding photographer. I'm documenting a memorable day in history for two people. Ya ya. Whatever pays the bills I guess.

After our talk I think we were both encouraged. But encouragement means nothing without action. Therefore, I'm going to start pursuing my art. So if anyone has a studio I can use, gallery that needs some pictures, or extra food to feed a starving artist let me know.... or if you are getting married and want to document it. I'm not sure I'm ready for the art world, but I'm definitely not prepared for a cubicle life.

So who's ready to starve?

9-5

Day 34

Errands. I hate running them, but what I hate more is running other people's errands. My day was going along so smoothly. I had a nice relaxing yoga session. I was still in a state of shavasana (relaxation pose) when I met my dad at Starbucks (don't worry I didn't break my diet with a delicious chai). I left my state of peace as soon as I went to pick up my boyfriend (Rez, named changed to protect the not-so-innocent) from getting his tires changed. As I tried to take a path less traveled I realized that my path didn't lead me in the right direction. So I had to take the crowded way. I don't understand why there are so many people driving around at 1pm on a Friday? No wonder this county has the highest unemployment rating in all of California, everyone is running errands and taking up space rather than working or getting interviews for potential jobs. As I make my way through the masses I finally end up at American Tires. Hmmm... Rez is no where to be found. I call him up for him to tell me... oops I'm at Les Shwab Tires, which is 100 yards from the Starbucks I just came from. Yell... scream... hang-up. I had my whole errand map planned out based on where I was currently.  Pick up boyfriend, go to library for returns (1mi away), walk the dog at the park (2mi away), then drop off Rez on the way home. Perfect plan now ruined!!

I was stuck at one light for 5 turns. 5!!! Now I'm just even more pissed. Oh did I forget to mention that I haven't eaten anything today. Luckily, when Rez picked up my dog earlier I asked him to bring me some food from the house. Then while driving I was so starving that I accidentally drove right past the tire store to Trador Joe's. Ugh. Don't you hate it when every exit says "right turn only"? I finally make it to stupid Les Shwab Tires to find out that my soon to be ex-boyfriend forgot my food at home. How will I survive the rest of my day? If you haven't realized by now I don't do well when I'm hungry. The diagnosis has been called "Fungrage" which is f***ing hungry rage, fungrage. To get a clearer picture of what I'm like in this state of mind is to watch the zombies in the movie "28 Days Later". But just like the zombies it's not my fault something takes over me. Rez took my advice and bought me some food at Trader Joe's right across the street. I figured while I'm there I'd pick up some extra gluten-free treats for later. If you ever go shopping with me don't let me pick out the checkout line... ever. I don't know why this lady was insistent on having all of her groceries shoved into the 3 recyclable bags she brought from home. After the checker tried her best the lady finally gave in to using a paper bag for the last few items... tree killer.

By the time I made it back to the car I was the bad guy for leaving the dog in the car for 15 minutes. Just give me my food before I eat both of you. Then the tire place called and said that the tires were too old and needed replaced not rotated. Amy hurry and eat before the zombie attacks. So I push Rez out of my car as a drive by Les Schwab for the third time. I keep the dog with me... you know if case I get hungry again. We decided to meet up at the river trail for a walk after we both run an errand. Mine was to the library and his was to pick up "real" food. On my way to the library I stop at the bank which was close by. I decide to do drive-up because I have my dog with me. I hate to hear her whimper. Did I mention that I should never pick out lines? The two people in front of me must have been stolen checks and were depositing them one at a time. It took almost 20 minutes before it was my turn. Right as I pulled up I looked at the time 2:28pm. When I pulled away from the atm it was 2:30pm. Two minutes. Maybe they should have timer for everyone that pulls up and if you go past 5 minutes the bank charges a "quit being a slow asshole fee"... Bank of America would be all over having a reason to charge a new fee.

By the time I get the highway and take my exit to the library I realize that Rez is probably done eating by now so I decide to go straight instead of a left to the library. Wow the lane next to me is a left turning lane too? I almost got into an accident. Ahh I'm losing my mind. I finally make it to the river trail ready to release some tension when I realize that Rez said the Sun Dial trail not the river trail; "Ummm Rez do you think you could leave the destination we agreed upon and come over to the river trail?" So I guess he's not the only one that makes mistakes. However, it is all his fault because he through off the alignment first. I felt like I was a spinner top that hit a wrong bump and wasn't going to be able to adjust before falling. By the time I got home it was 5pm. Even though it was my day off I still felt like I was working a 9-5 shift. My next day off I'm never leaving the house and my spinner top will never quit spinning... would that mean I was dreaming...? I hope so.

life saver from the library