So lately I've had some trouble focusing. By lately I mean the past 3 years and especially the past 3 months. I'm so used to having some kind of goal or destination I was moving towards and without it I feel lost. This past week has been up and down. I've been trying a new form of massage therapy called Myofascial Release for my back pain. During my last session I felt immediate anxiety and frustration. All of a sudden I was instantly irritated and stressed. I know that some people think that your cells can hold certain trauma and emotions with them for years. If this is true then some cells were just activated because since my massage therapy I've been really emotional charged. I've had an overwhelming since of tension and restlessness. For the past couple days I've wanted to go somewhere, anywhere, to escape. I've felt the urge to pack up and move out.... or not pack and just get in the car and go. Now I'm not trying to psychoanalyze, but I've been wondering if my body is trying to tell me something. I've had back pain for over 2 years now and no one knows whats wrong. It feels like tension in my muscles that won't release. It feels like an overall tightness in my lower back/hip region. Now most people that know me know how active I am, well, was. I grew up playing tennis and have always envisioned myself in some form of athletic field. Since my injury I've shifted from sports to arts. I've always enjoyed photography and I received my Bachelors in Digital Media (Film). However, for some reason I can't find the same motivation and drive I had for sports in my artistic ventures. I feel lackluster about pursuing my art. It's such an effort to take pictures, film, paint, dj, or any other the other mediums I've dabbled in. I've taken art classes, joined art leagues, posted my art about town, bought dj equipment, made business cards, created business fan pages, made websites, but no matter what I do it feels empty. It's work. When I trained for tennis 4-6 hours a day it didn't feel like work. No one had to tell me twice to do it. I didn't need any external motivators. I enjoyed it. I loved the process of competing, improving, competing some more. When I would meet other athletes I enjoyed combining our efforts to push each other further. If I wanted to succeed it was up to me. If I failed it was all on me. I'd just continue to try harder the next time. I'd adjust. But now I'm not adjusting. I'm failing, but nothing I'm doing is changing. I'm what some would call insane. I can't expect a different result because I refuse to change anything.
So today I was thinking about why I won't just commit to either DJing, photography, film, anything and put in the hard work I know is necessary? Why do I feel such a resistance to promote myself? I will have women tell me about how they are getting married and I'm terrified of asking if they have a dj yet. Is is because I worry that they will reject me or that they will pick me and I'll be a disappointment? As I'm laying in bed trying to find out what is wrong with me I think, "I'm a very driven person. I love meeting deadlines, goals, resolutions. I'm a hard worker. So why can't I be just as determined now?" Then it came to me. I don't want to be an artist. Being an artist is too hard. I just want to be a jock. I want to train and become a sponsored athlete and sweat it out for the rest of my life. I love competing. There should be only one winner and it is the one who worked the hardest, not promoted themselves the best, schmoozed the right people, talked a big game, convinced people of their awesomeness. Why should so many people determine my success? Why do I have to care what you think about me? Why does the right person have to like my work? Why can't I just mind my own business and train in private and then show the world what I'm capable of? While I run 12 miles and you sit at your desk nothing you do will affect me. Nothing you say about me matters if I win the race. I don't need you to hire me or buy my artwork or talk about me to your friends. I don't want to be an artist anymore. I don't know how to prepare for it. I don't know how to train. I only know how to fail. How to be so terrified of not belonging or being good enough. I only know how to care too much about what people think. My self-worth is determined by my peers. My art means nothing if I'm brilliant, but no one sees it. What if I'm terrible, but everyone loves it? What if I can't stand my work, but it pays the bills? Can I really call that success? I just want to play a game. Just me and you. Tell me the game and I'll work day and night to compete. I'll do everything I can to beat you. But what if there is no game? If there is no game why am I losing?
